Ignorance is Bliss
by Butterfly Prospekt
Summary: You're the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing before I go to sleep.


_**A/N:**__ Episode 8.10 (Torn and Frayed) really killed me. Everyone had something angsty on their minds ... the worst part of it all was the Sam/Amelia dynamic ... torturous. I know there are some who hate Amelia. I'm not one of them. I really felt compelled to write something from her point of view. As of now, her character isn't on the characters list, so that's why she's not tagged. (It's the other Amelia, since this one's last name is Richardson, I think). Anyway, here goes; this is my first Supernatural fic._

_The end is a bit AU (unless something like it appears in future episodes), but I couldn't resist adding some optimism. This episode totally had me in pieces, and that was my attempt to sew them back together. _

_Disclaimers, Warnings: There are quite a few direct quotes from the episode. Those and the whole idea do not belong to me. Trust me, if Supernatural belonged to me, Sam would find a way to be happy with Amelia and still hunt. Also, spoilers for episode 8.10._

* * *

**Ignorance is Bliss**

_One of us will be here, and we'll know._

_Neither of us will be here, and we'll know._

_Or both of us will be here..._

_and we'll know._

The words churn in Amelia's head. Over and over again.

What she said to him had sounded so good at the time. Then, she figured she would let Sam make his choice, and herself make her own. At the time, she still clung onto the hope that maybe she would be able to choose Don. Her husband, who was slightly more constant than Sam.

Don.

She knew she should choose him.

But, like she told Sam, she's going against her good judgement.

Because she needs Sam, with this kind of animalistic need even she can't really explain.

Right now, all she can concentrate on is the fear. What if he's not there? What if he decided to leave? She knows it will be best for her, if she never sees him again, but, God, she can't live with that! It'll kill her, if he keeps coming back like this, but at least she'll be happy.

At least there will be warmth for those quick moments he's here.

Amelia hopes more than anything that Sam will be in that motel room.

Her car pulls up in the lot and she parks it with shaking hands. A quivering body. Eyes that won't stay open, wanting to drag her into a dream-world where Sam is holding her.

Don is a good man, but he's not Sam.

Amelia keeps her gaze trained on the ground as she approaches the door. She doesn't want anything to dampen her hopes until the moment of truth. She wants to hold onto this possibility that he's there, waiting for her, until she can't any longer.

She reaches the door, and she stops.

_Sam_, she thinks. His name seems to have its own gravity, even when it's left unsaid.

If he's there ... Amelia draws fantasies in her mind. She'll run right to him. She'll kiss him. She'll cry all over him and let him hold her, let him love her.

It feels traitorous to Don, but, damn, it feels _right_.

She can't put it off any longer. By now, it's a few minutes past 7:30.

Her hand closes around the cold metal knob, the slick feeling biting into her palm. _Sam, Sam, please, Sam_, she says, an ostinato repeating in her head.

Amelia raises her eyes to see what she has to.

The room is dark.

That's the first blow, like a punch to her stomach.

No lights. No sounds. There's no TV on, no drip of the faucet in the background.

All that hits her harder. She feels like the air's been knocked out of her.

But.

The last thing.

God, she doesn't think she can handle it!

There's no Sam.

That's the worst. That's torture, and though, somehow, she's managing to not cry, she is, in her head.

Maybe she's dried up all her tears in the past year.

She doesn't know.

But Sam is not there.

She can't look at the empty space, so she tears her eyes away and shuts the door as quietly as possible. Gets back to her car.

Sam is not there.

She hears the words she said again.

"One of us will be here, and we'll know."

One of them was there.

They knew.

She knows.

And, God, how she wishes she didn't! It's one of those cases where ignorance truly is bliss. She wishes that she didn't come back, that it was her choice that they were over.

But it was Sam's choice, and that kills her even more.

Sam chose his job over her.

Something inanimate ... over something real.

It hurts.

If he had told her, given more details, no matter what it was he did ... she would have gone with him. She would have given anything to be with Sam, because she loves him.

She needs him.

She's not sure which is more powerful.

"You're the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing before I go to sleep."

That had been true when she said them. They are true now. And Amelia has a feeling they will never cease to be true.

She has Don, a good man who loves her.

But each night, each morning, she will see Sam. She will want Sam.

"Words will never cover what you mean to me━what you'll always mean to me."

She remembers how happy she was when she heard those words from Sam's lips. Then, she thought he would stay.

But even if he could not think of how to phrase how much he loved her, it still was not enough.

More than anything, as Amelia drives down the road, she wants Sam to be in the passenger seat. She wants to hear his voice. Wants to see his smile. Wants to feel his touch, gentle and perfect.

Wants to know his love, instead of this cold, frozen desolation.

Isolation.

The terror of her best efforts not being enough.

Amelia remembers how Sam's skin felt against hers. How his lips felt against hers. He was gentle. He was considerate, and yet passionate at the same time. She remembers his words. He always knew the right thing to say, even when the right thing was the wrong thing.

She remembers the happiness that had cloaked her when he was with her. How perfect she felt, knowing that he was the one.

But ignorance is bliss.

It would have been easier if she had not known he was the one. If he had not known the right things to say. If she had not known that he didn't choose her.

She can't have Sam.

But, after this, she will never be able to love Don the way she did in the beginning.

What has she done?

And, shakily, Amelia pulls the car over to the side of the road. She gets out her cell phone. Messaging app.

Her last hope, because she can't live like this.

Sam's number.

_Changed my mind. Even one foot in is better than none._


End file.
